Safety Is Most Definitely Not In Numbers: A Guide to my Asperger's

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Hello, reader, I'm glad you've ended up here, whether that was by accident or not, I do not care. Today I won't be talking about my love of music or reviewing anything, but instead explaining myself. No, I'm not going to be confessing, but I'm going to be talking about how my Asperger's shapes my personality and what it is. I'm doing this not only because April is national autism month, but I believe it will make an interesting read for people, and it'll help my readers get a better idea of the way I think and why I do the things I do. Hopefully, if you can endure it all, you'll come out of the other side of this piece of writing knowing a lot more about me, you may even develop a stronger understanding of who I am, or you may even find it easier to interact with me (which would be fantastic).

Before I properly start, I think it would be helpful for many if I included a definition of what Asperger's is. Quite simply put, Asperger's is a developmental disorder included on the autism spectrum, meaning it is a form of autism. Asperger's poses difficulties in a few different aspects of life, mainly in social interaction, as well as causing repetitive behavior patterns. That being said, there are definitely some positives to this condition. Asperger's is largely hereditary, often being passed down in genes, which often makes it a family trait. The disorder is not incredibly common, but is not considered rare, with psychologists estimating 1 in 250 are affected. With that said, I'll now explain more specific parts and how they affect me.

Part One: Interaction: The Social Curse.

If you've spent more than five minutes with me, you'll probably have experienced a conversation with me, which I am told is no simple task, in fact, I've been called scathing, cold and too serious (which I'd agree with to some extent). The truth is, a lot of the time, I don't know I'm doing this and don't mean to be. Asperger's makes social interaction generally difficult, some people who are affected don't have much trouble, but some do. I would say I am in the middle of the scale, I don't find it wildly difficult, but it's definitely not easy.

One of the most integral parts of a conversation is the understanding of facial signals, which is one of the hardest things for me. For neurotypicals, this is done subconsciously, it's instinct, but for me, trying to figure out what someone is trying to say with their expression is like trying to read a book with beer goggles on. Naturally, this means that doing anything with my face whilst I'm talking is extremely hard, which explains my default appearance; an irritable old man. That being said, of course I display emotion, I laugh, I frown (perpetually), I smile (very occasionally) and exhibit confusion, though all of these are natural reactions. I can read these strong, natural emotions, I am not a malfunctioning robot, who sees laughing and feels the need to comfort the person laughing, I am not a psychopath who sees crying and laughs, I just find it rather difficult to work out if someone is slightly down by their expression, or, really, any understanding of subtler emotion expressed through the face. If you ever have the misfortune of talking to me on the phone, you'll come to understand the extent of my ineptitude when it comes to communication. I guess my lack of telephone skill does prove that I do manage to figure out some emotion from the faces of others. Having someone's less subtle reactions is always helpful to me, but to have even those stripped away is really throwing me into the deep end.

Another rather important part of social interaction is tone of voice, which people with Asperger's often find hard to decipher. This is something that has gotten easier in recent years, but tone of voice is still a small obstacle in conversations. This leads to some interesting understandings of conversations going on around me, usually ending up with me to have to confirm meaning. The best example being sarcasm. If it's really obvious, I'll understand, though it may take me a second, but when talking generally, maybe it'll fly straight past me. Expressions and figures of speech are also confusing to me, as I take speech very literally, when people talk about skeletons in the closet or pots calling kettles black, my brain will be working very hard to figure out whether my friends are murderers or whether I am being accused of possessing talking kitchen implements. I need people to say exactly what they mean, otherwise they may have the police searching their wardrobes! Similarly, if someone is to drop a subtle joke in the middle of a conversation that is not classic joke territory, I may not get it. I do get jokes, I love hearing them and telling them, but when they are sprung upon me in a conversation it may take a moment, which may explain my preference for really dark, surreal humour, which is very easily spotted (though heavily subjective, which often receives blank stares). It's not only humour though, it may take me a while to clock on to people's sadness or discomfort, or their joy or excitement in someone's voice. To combat this, I have created a fantastically cunning plan, which is simply to bombard people with the question 'are you ok?' or 'how are you?', to sneakily (irony) figure out how someone may be feeling, though this is normally countered with a vague answer which scuppers my plan entirely. It may seem silly to neurotypicals, but even knowing how someone is feeling and spotting the signals that they may be feeling that way is a real task for me, one that I may need some help with. Sometimes, it's not only hard to work out other people's thoughts and feelings, but my own can sometimes need some figuring out.

The main thing to be said here, is that I have so much to think about already, I hardly think about what I am going to say in regards to other people, but I focus on the structure and clarity of a sentence. Due to this, I (hopefully) come across as someone who chooses individual words with meticulous care, though, as I mentioned earlier, I may come across as rather cold or aloof. Though I don't consider myself for one moment a 'people-person' or an extrovert, I must stress, I do not mean to come across as a thoughtless grouch. There are a few positives to this situation, one being honesty. I hate to present myself as a real goodie-goodie fun-sponge, I'll let others do that for me, but I would call myself an honest person. Of course, I've told a few lies before, like everyone, but my honesty is perhaps a gap, where others may have consideration. For example, if asked whether an outfit was nice, or a child's poem was good, most neurotypicals would say yes, or lightly suggest an alteration. Then there is me and those like me. I would, and have, given my opinion, probably rather bluntly. This is not because I want to upset whoever is asking, it's not because I want to be honest, but because I don't know how to say any differently. Of all the things I have talked about, of all the situations I have talked about so far, I have been able to understand the neurotypical approach to some degree, but this one is beyond me. I don't understand why someone would ask for an opinion if they would be offended by a certain outcome. I do not know how to lie about that sort of thing, my face gives it all away, usually before I have the chance to utter a single word. My face seems to be its own force, working against me, frowning when someone breaks 'good news' to me, or scowling at a teacher who is barely treading the bloody water that is Macbeth. I promise, if I have ever offended you with one of my opinions, especially the delivery of it, I have not meant to (unless you've called Peter Capaldi a bad Doctor, in which case, I thought very carefully about how to make my delivery as sharp as it was).

 The last piece of this section is an explanation of why I am a 'Grammar Nazi' of the highest order. Firstly, I think that title is a little harsh, especially considering my grammar is not perfect (though that would be nice). It's probably known by most of you reading that I have the awful tendency to correct people's language at any time on any day. I do not do this to annoy, offend, harm or belittle anyone. I do it for the opposite reason. I do this to help. Before you start calling me 'the help you don't need', I do not try to help for your benefit (sorry), but instead for my own understanding. As I have explained, understanding other people is not my strong point, throwing slang and colloquialisms into the mix makes my life so much harder. I will often ask for definitions of these terms and abbreviations, but when it comes to the English language itself, a tool that has become misused by many, I often fail to follow when words are given more meanings than Oxford has already given to them (goodness, I sound like a snob). When I correct you on your choice of words, I am confirming with you that you are trying to say what I think you are trying to say, not trying to create a master race of speakers of standard English.

So, there is part one, which hopefully given you a small insight into why I am such a insensitive crank. Onto the next part, which will explain why I am such a sensitive crank.

Part Two: Bad Spiderman: Heightened Senses. 

I apologise for the title of this section, it's awful, but he is the only superhero I can think of who has heightened sense. No, I do not have heightened senses to the same degree as Spiderman, but it does seem that way sometimes. I can't see two-hundred miles into the distance, I can't hear someone whispering at the other side of the road, but I will be agitated much easier than others when one of these senses passes the 'overload' point. The worst of these for me is sound. Loud noises, constant noises, repetitive noises, etcetera, will make me freeze up, causing overload. My stress levels rise and I tense up and lose all concentration. Due to this, I often avoid certain places, some that come to mind are the canteen at college (which is how I imagine Hell feels, if there is such a place), busy supermarkets and busy restaurants. The main situation that freaks me out is crowds, in pretty much every context, the noise, the close proximity to other people and the mix of strong smells that some people carry (nice smell or horrible smells). Whilst this isn't so much of a problem, I can simply take myself out of these places, once I am in the 'overload zone', it can feel as if there is no escape, sometimes I will even physically shiver. Though this doesn't happen often, because I'll probably have fled, the best thing you can do for me is to ask if I'm alright. I will respond with a quick no and look for a distraction and if I haven't found one already, an exit. 

Touch is the second sense that can put me into the overload zone, though it rarely does, because a lot of the time it is clothes or furniture which bother me. To the untrained eye, it may look as if I am simply a difficult person (it may also look that way to the eye of a professional too, but that's not the point I'm trying to make), but I promise you, I don't mean to be. I've always been told I am difficult to buy clothes for, not only because t-shirts need to don some extremely nerdy picture or phrase, but because the material must be a certain type. In the past I have had shirts that I have worn once and never worn again, just because of the way that it sits on me, or a label that has brushed at my neck in the most infuriating way imaginable. Earlier this year, I attended a gig in a rather small venue (considering what I have already talked about, you wouldn't think I could bear a gig, but they are actually some of my favourite events. Perhaps it's the unity of people who enjoy the same thing that brings down the stress) and when I went to purchase a shirt at the merchandise stand, the lead singer of the band was running it. Due to my excitement, I didn't bother to examine the shirt very well, he let me feel it and look at the design, but I didn't want to be a burden and inspect it for half an hour. Once home, I discovered the ends of the sleeves have that strange elasticated cuff. I was horrified. These cuffs are the freaks of the clothing world. I can't stand them, to me, they feel like handcuffs, or the physical manifestation of a voice in your head that says 'manual breathing' to you every two-and-a-half seconds. I have since managed to figure out a way to get around this perversion of clothing, which involves simply flipping the cuffs around, or turning them inside out, but if it wasn't such a nice shirt, I wouldn't have been so forgiving. I won't start on cuffs on the bottom of trousers, otherwise this post will turn into an attack on trouser-cuffs. As I mentioned earlier, furniture can also be a big problem, especially bedding. I consider myself a bad sleeper anyway, but I think Asperger's plays a significant role in that. I must always have two pillows, the duvet can't be too crunchy or too light and most certainly not scratchy at all. I promise, I'm really not a difficult person, I just have a significant amount of needs for my comfort and wellbeing... Going back to sound to explain sleep a little more, I have been known to lay in bed for more than three hours, simply because there is a slight humming coming from somewhere, or I just can't get into the right position, because my head doesn't have the same pillow to rest on. To combat the sound element, I have compiled a playlist of relaxing music, mainly from film scores, which eliminates the unidentified sounds. I don't believe all of the thanks should be given to the relaxing nature of the music, I think even if I put on a playlist of Eels songs (which are often very energetic and loud) on low volume, I would eventually fall asleep, simply because they are familiar sounds, which could stop me thinking about the unidentified one. It's very similar to how one learns to ignore the sound of the clock in their room, but when in someone else's, that's the only thing they can hear.

Because of being easily 'overloaded', much of the time, going out, whether that be on a bus or a beach, for a walk or a quick visit to a family member, can be difficult. There will always be lots attacking the senses. For neurotypicals, this is easy, I'm not trying to call you unobservant, I'm just trying to explain that many people with Asperger's have a much higher sensitivity to sound, feeling, smells etc. As a result of this, I require much time, which I call 'headspace', to 'recharge', or process what I have been doing. Effectively, what this is is just relaxation, time to stop and do something that I want to do, often something that I will call 'passivity'. In the past, passivity would be playing a video game or drawing, now it would be reading, listening to music, researching or watching a film. The key to headspace, the key to allowing myself to recharge is being alone. Much of the time, no matter how much I enjoy time with certain people, I need time alone, not to say I don't like spending time with people, because there are certain people who I could spend days with, but I find spending time alone much easier than spending time with people. Being alone means I get breaks from having to constantly think about the meanings of things people say and I don't have to work out what people are trying to say with their faces, I'm left only with the challenges that I make myself, and that's not to call my friends challenging either. I'll repeat that I really do like many people, but I just find people in general difficult, and therefore need time to be free of the social requirements that are vital to interaction.

Part Three: I Promise I'm Not Attracted to the 12th Doctor: Obsessions and Interests.

The third key characteristic that is very common in those with Asperger's is the need for routine, for familiarity. Though it may seem very dramatic, even one thing in a routine being out of place can throw off the whole day. I have a very rigid routine, one that leaves time (a lot of time) for slight inconsistencies: I'll get to the bus stop at least ten minutes before the bus is supposed to arrive, I'll arrive at college with at least an hour to spare, to allow for slow/late buses, or even buses that don't turn up. Though it hardly happens, without that safety, just incase, I will become very nervous. When a routine is broken, it'll stress me out beyond belief, because the event hasn't been planned or prepared for. Even nice things, such as a family friend or grandparent coming over for a quick catch-up can be extremely disorientating for me. Similarly, change can be as discomforting at surprise, especially if the change is happening to something that has been the same for such a long time (which is strange, considering my favourite television show re-casts its main character every few years). I blame this need for routine as the roots of my acute germaphobia and clean-freakiness too, as to suddenly rid a space of tidiness is to change it, it no longer has it's organised state. The phobia of germs can be attributed to the lack of knowledge of what other people do and the disruption germs can potentially cause (which is really having an effect at the moment). I can track what I do and I can wash my hands of all the germs, but I can't with others and spaces that I have no control over, explaining my massive fear of shaking hands. This level of organisation I require is only one half of the obsession that people with Asperger's have, the other half being in the interests that we develop.

Those who know me know that there are certain topics that I never fail to bring up when talking. Those who will know me will find out pretty quickly what these topics are. As I mentioned in part two, it's very common for someone with Asperger's to retreat into solitude to get some headspace, I also said that we like to research, well, these interests, which can probably be referred to as obsessions, are what we research. Indulging in these topics helps relax us, it becomes a need, a yearning to know everything you can about a topic. I have found that due to this, it is very hard to just like something; if I develop an interest, I feel I need to know as much as I can about a topic. Some people manage to channel these interests into conventionally 'smart' areas, such as maths or science, but others, like me, often channel these interests into areas of media, entertainment or even specific celebrities. This ability to focus on specific topics and retain so much information often leads people, if they have enough determination and vigor, to succeed in their field of interest. Some examples of these people are Greta Thunberg, who has recently been one of the most talked about figures, for her work in activism, Chris Packham, who is now one of the most recognised naturalists and Anthony Hopkins, who used his interest in the way people act in everyday life to develop some of the best and believable characters on screen. I'm going to list some of my interests here, so those of you who talk to me regularly, you can create a bingo card and see who guesses the most prominent first.

- Doctor Who
There's not much to this one, I just love the show and the way it works. I don't think I could tell you exactly why I love it so much, it just has a massive appeal to me and has helped teach me my morals and opinions on the world, in a way that talking to other people couldn't do. Doctor Who also birthed my obsession with Peter Capaldi, which isn't nearly as creepy as it sounds. His Doctor is my favourite, by a long way, perhaps because his understanding, or lack thereof, of the way people work is quite similar to my own, which was probably a good reassurance that I wasn't alone in having social difficulty, as Capaldi was cast just after I was diagnosed. Now, if Capaldi is in a film or television show, I will watch it, no matter what it is. I don't think there is any way to make that sound less stalkery.

- Films
This is one of my interests that I could potentially use to my advantage in the future, and one that I am starting to use now. As someone studying film, this is a rather suitable obsession to possess. I'll try to watch one film every day I can. Sometimes I don't like the film, but most of the time, I will find something good about it, something enjoyable. If this happens, I look more into the film. The more I like the film, the more research I do into it, the more I learn about it. Even the smallest details are important and interesting to me. I'll try to find the screenplay to read, I'll listen to the soundtrack. I'll watch it again and again. I believe I have watched Edward Scissorhands fourteen times now, I must have listened to the soundtrack enough times that if it were a vinyl copy, it wouldn't play anymore. As someone who would like to work in the film industry in the future, having the desire to want to learn as much as I can about film and to retain so much information about film is great, something that I am really grateful for.

- Music
I had written a lot of different artists on this list, before deciding that my obsession with artists such as Vampire Weekend, Prince and Barenaked Ladies are all the same. If I listen to an artist regularly, chances are I will know the tracklists of all of their albums off by heart, after only two or three listens. I'll have done research into the meanings of each song, I will have found every B-side and rarity they have recorded. This is down to the completionist that Asperger's has made me. This obsession gives me something to block out the noise of certain places, which is definitely a plus. Listening to music in a busy environment almost nullifies the anxiety I feel in those places, while giving me something to think about and analyse.

- Stephen King
The king of horror fiction is my greatest inspiration in life, some would say he is my hero. I could confidently list his books in order, making minimal mistakes, I could tell you the years they were released and where he was when he wrote them. This interest definitely stems from admiration and the yearn to learn more about the craft of writing fiction, which is my biggest life goal. I also like that my Stephen King obsession gives me something to collect, as does music and film, but books are more collectable, there is more of a community for book collecting. Collecting is a very, very common trait of people with Asperger's, I have always had something to collect, I used to collect Pokemon cards, Gogos Crazy Bones and golf balls, even corks for a short amount of time. Now I collect Stephen King books. The collecting also gives me purpose to go outside, as when I am feeling like I could stay indoors, not wanting to face the stresses of the outside world, listening to some music and visiting the charity shops in search for copies of his books fixes that quickly, even if I find nothing!

- Tim Burton
The last of my major interests comes in the form of Tim Burton, not just his films, but his art, writing and ways of life. Though he has not ever been formally diagnosed, many believe, including Helena Bonham-Carter, his previous wife, that he too has Asperger's. It was my discovery of this fact that lead me to become more interested in his body of work, which I enjoy so much I now call him my favourite director. His stories, in whatever form they come, are always so uniquely him,  something I admire. He adds a real personal touch to each of his films that directs them down a surreal, black and white striped path that I love and understand. His self-proclaimed outsider status as a child is one that I like to remember, as it serves as a good reminder that people like me can also find success, and a place in the world.

These five main interests are five of what could be many, I could add a lots more to the list, but the point I wanted to stress is that people with Asperger's generally have very specific interests, which they will go to in times of trouble and happiness alike. I just have to be thankful that I don't have any really weird obsessions, because they are out there (though I could probably develop an obsession with pylons. Please never ask me why, because I won't be able to explain that to you, I just really need to hold that off). Though I could spend all day talking about any one of these subjects, and given the right circumstances and people, I have, but generally, people don't like it. They really hate it. I can understand why, I often get annoyed at myself that these things have to slip into conversation all of the time, that I have to be thinking about these things all the time (which I do, these topics do not leave my head). I sometimes forget that some would consider this 'dedication' a pseudo-superpower. Since I was young, I remember being told I always talk about the same thing, but trust me, it's very hard not to. I don't talk about all of these things to bore people, it's because I'm passionate about these things and can talk about these things, whereas I find talking about anything else rather difficult, as I talked about in part one, but due to a deep knowledge and understanding, it's very easy to find confidence when talking about an interest. I often stop in the middle of talking and have a thought along the lines of 'oh, you really love to blabber', then the other side of my brain will be cheering, shouting 'you're talking with ease!' To be able to talk like this is really comforting, and when people listen, it's even more comforting. If you can bear it, talking about one of these subjects with me will make me very happy, and generally ease me into conversation nicely. Do stop me when you've had enough though!


Part Four: My views on frequently talked about Asperger's topics. 

Would I like to be cured? 
- No. I don't have to think about that for more than a second. Though the condition does give me some disadvantages in life, it certainly gives me some advantages that I would say are key to who I am. Without Asperger's, I couldn't hold all of the information I do, I probably wouldn't have done very well in my GCSEs, as those results do show that I can hold more information about my interests than other subjects. It would also affect my future negatively, as I'd love to pursue a career in a subject that I have a major interest in, whether that be writing, making films or even reviewing those things. 

Is someone autistic, or do they have autism?
- I have never liked to say someone has autism, as that makes it sound like a disease. Autism often shapes somebody's personality, so I think to give them a 'status' is better, even if it appears to be labelling, which is something I have never understood the problems of in context of the spectrum.

Are we all on the spectrum?
- Absolutely not. Anyone who genuinely believes we are needs to spend just a minute thinking about what autism is, properly. If we were all on the spectrum, there wouldn't be need for a spectrum, we could simply have types or codes, Myers-Briggs style. The spectrum exists for people to understand how people with different forms of autism work, severe autism and high-functioning affect people in different ways, but share many characteristics. Neurotypicals do not have any of these characteristics, which is why people with these characteristics are called 'autistic'.

What is it like meeting others on the spectrum?
- Generally, I've found it to be a great experience. You'd think it would be a big mess of misread social cues and 'umms' and 'errs', but instead there always seems to be a mutual understanding. Of course, there are moments in which both parties go completely blank, but generally, it's really enjoyable.

Can't we just learn about social cues and what is rude?
- Yes, we can. I know what is rude and what is not rude, I know about many social cues, which is why I could write about them, but the problems that are caused are not due to lack of knowledge on these things, but instead how to spot them. Because people with Asperger's generally think very literally, subtlety mostly flies straight past me. If I'm watching a film or a television series in which two characters fall in love, unless it's a key point that I already knew about, I will not pick up on it until the couple show that love in a more physical manner.

Can someone with Asperger's form a relationship?
- Of course. I think so, anyway. Ask my friends and family for this one. I have what I consider to be a good amount of friends, all of whom I consider to be close with. I'm sure I seem distant to them sometimes, I know I often drift off into my own state of being, whether that is when I am silent or verbally destroying them with some useless knowledge about Prince's thirteenth studio album, Diamonds and Pearls. Other than that, I'd say the relationships I have are as strong as most neurotypical's.

Is there a certain look to people with Asperger's?
- Yes. We have deep-sunken eyes, extremely pale skin, more often than not, fangs and long, sharp fingernails. We often travel in packs, wearing cloaks and veils to protect our skin from the sunlight. We also stay away from garlic and crucifixes and can be killed by a wooden stake to the heart. No. There is no 'look' to someone with Asperger's.

Do I often overthink things?
- Yes. I'll often be kept up at night because I am thinking about something. That something could be a tiny detail of something or, a personal insomnia favourite, hardcore philosophy and speculation about existence.




I do hope this piece has helped you to understand what makes me me, and why I behave in the ways I do. I hope I haven't made myself seem too much of a self-obsessed snob, because that is the last thing I want to be doing, but I hope I have helped you to help me, because that will help me to help you. Maybe this has made you want to talk more about Asperger's and autism, which I'd be happy to do. Thank you very much for reading this, I hope to see you here soon!

J.